Prepare, Plan, Execution -- Abysmal

In life to be successful one must prepare, plan and most important, execute -- unfortunately with the death of a loved one you can prepare and plan all you want but no matter how you slice it, the execution will be abysmal. The stages of grief are inescapable. You try and keep yourself busy and keep the grief at bay - eventually you have to stop and let the process take place ....my day is today:(

Yesterday when I was getting ready to leave the house (formerly my sanctuary, right now my mausoleum) to escape, there I was putting eye make up on and a delivery person arrived and brought me a beautiful arrangement of fruit from my wonderful girls at one of the offices I call on. This was such a kind act on their part, it brought me to tears and of course back to the drawing board on the make up :) It was such a kind outreach. Many people do not understand how difficult the loss of a pet can be and you find yourself often suffering silently because you can't really discuss it to people who don't understand because that only makes you feel worse. Well those girls truly validated my loss and I am grateful for their friendship.

Today started out ok - I went for a hike with my husband and while on the trail we encountered a women with her dog off his leash. The women was trying to keep her dog from running up to me and I could tell was concerned as to how I would react -- little did she know that I wanted nothing more than to have that dog run up to me and greet me with a smile in an effort to capture if only for a second one of the things I missed most. Well that dog did run up to me, complete with smile and bonus kisses -- it was wonderful. As the women came to gather her hound I could see the look of relief on her face as she recognized that I too was a lover of the dogs and I welcomed her hounds attention.

Throughout the walk I think reality started to cement itself and I had to tell my husband that I just wasn't up to going out and about today. He was very concerned about me, I assured him I would be ok - I have to be alone sometime.

In an effort to drown out my thoughts I find myself doing the mindless tasks of cleaning the house and listening to music as I try to take back a little control in an uncontrollable world. As I clean the house I find signs of our cats ailing health that need to be cleaned up and more importantly addressed. No one said life would be easy, I think that is why they spank you when you are born to give you your first lesson.

As I go out to the yard to feed the birds, there are no land mines to traverse and pick up - who would of thought a task that was once daunting would now be missed. As I vacuum the floor I realize I don't have to maneuver around his dog bed or toys. As I sweep up cat litter from the garage I am hammered with the thought that probably sooner rather than later I will be missing that as well given the cat is 19 years old.

When I am cleaning the bathroom I keep finding myself not wanting to throw paper in the trash can because Woody use to love going up to the can, lifting the lid with his snout and pulling the paper out and of course chewing it up -- that actually puts a smile on my face as I reluctantly place the paper in the can.

Then there were 3

It is day three and waking up just doesn't hold the same luster.

I am use to bringing Woody's dog bed into the bedroom, watching him excitedly click clack down the hall and plop himself in as he falls fast asleep and snores his little baby snores. In the morning if I would wake up before him I would look to the side of my bed and see him sleeping peacefully. If he was up before me, then of course he would be waking me up by putting his paw on the side of the bed and nudging me to tend to his needs:) Instead I wake up to the cat meowing to be fed and once he is fed, again the silence.

The house is filled with land mines of memories........stuffed toys, empty dog bowls, favorite spots where he would hang out. I picked up his collar and put his tags on my key chain, hearing the jingle of the tags was both comforting and disturbing. When I open the fridge to get the cream for the coffee I see the half of banana that I fed him his last night to try and keep him hydrated and nourished - even in his final hours he still enjoyed food. The fact that he still enjoyed eating was making me struggle with hope that perhaps he would get better.

It is inexplicable the bond that one has with their pet -- I sometimes think it can even be stronger than our bonds with humans. When you think about it you have this life force that you are connected to by all non verbal communication -- yes we talk to our animals but they cannot verbally talk back ( ok, maybe if it is a bird or you are crazy). We communicate with our animals on a whole different level, touch, eye contact, feeding, playing, ect. It is pure and demonstrated through action. We have these routines that we create that we go along and perform everyday without even giving it that much thought until that routine is no longer there. I don't know that we realize how big a part of life caring for others really is and how much meaning it gives to us.

I find myself plagued by his final hours, reaching out to others trying to get answers. As we waited in the car for our appointment with the doctor I sat on the floor of the back seat with him while we listened to classical music and I lovingly pet him, held him and told him how much I love him. He is one of the most special beings that I have been graced to know.

As my husband looks into the backyard at the squirrels eating the bird seed with reckless abandon he says " unmolested with no one to monitor them or interrupt their feast, they are going to take over the joint". Here we are the three of us me, my husband and the cat stumbling through our grief learning how to traverse this new dynamic.

Day 2 - the aftermath of losing a loved one

The reality hasn't totally set in yet.

I do know that this am instead of being greeted anxiously by my sweet hound, we were met with silence - no jingling of his collar with tags, his tail flailing against the dresser, his head shaking with ears flapping letting us know it is a new day - nope, today was eerie, just silence and that moment when you wake up and wish it was just a bad dream and realize it is not.

We did of course have the cat meowing not only for his food but wondering where his friend is.

As I broach the kitchen at 6am to make the coffee, I am sadly greeted by an empty food bowl, an empty dog bed and no one to let out so that he can go to the bathroom, wander the yard and look for squirrels to bark at. I can't begin to express how much I use to love looking out into the backyard and seeing nothing but his tail wagging out the window.

It is so strange when you take a life source out of your environment - it completely changes the whole dynamic - living energy is an amazing, hard to describe, intangible force. Some life forces of course have more than others - Woody's was infectiously effervescent.

Off to work I go - not looking forward to coming home, as he won't be there to greet me. My husband and I usually always go to sushi on Friday night to celebrate the start of the weekend and spend some quality time with each other. Per a great friends suggestion, he is going to take me to the movies tonight - I am grateful, I do have that to look forward to.