I am use to bringing Woody's dog bed into the bedroom, watching him excitedly click clack down the hall and plop himself in as he falls fast asleep and snores his little baby snores. In the morning if I would wake up before him I would look to the side of my bed and see him sleeping peacefully. If he was up before me, then of course he would be waking me up by putting his paw on the side of the bed and nudging me to tend to his needs:) Instead I wake up to the cat meowing to be fed and once he is fed, again the silence.
The house is filled with land mines of memories........stuffed toys, empty dog bowls, favorite spots where he would hang out. I picked up his collar and put his tags on my key chain, hearing the jingle of the tags was both comforting and disturbing. When I open the fridge to get the cream for the coffee I see the half of banana that I fed him his last night to try and keep him hydrated and nourished - even in his final hours he still enjoyed food. The fact that he still enjoyed eating was making me struggle with hope that perhaps he would get better.
It is inexplicable the bond that one has with their pet -- I sometimes think it can even be stronger than our bonds with humans. When you think about it you have this life force that you are connected to by all non verbal communication -- yes we talk to our animals but they cannot verbally talk back ( ok, maybe if it is a bird or you are crazy). We communicate with our animals on a whole different level, touch, eye contact, feeding, playing, ect. It is pure and demonstrated through action. We have these routines that we create that we go along and perform everyday without even giving it that much thought until that routine is no longer there. I don't know that we realize how big a part of life caring for others really is and how much meaning it gives to us.
I find myself plagued by his final hours, reaching out to others trying to get answers. As we waited in the car for our appointment with the doctor I sat on the floor of the back seat with him while we listened to classical music and I lovingly pet him, held him and told him how much I love him. He is one of the most special beings that I have been graced to know.
As my husband looks into the backyard at the squirrels eating the bird seed with reckless abandon he says " unmolested with no one to monitor them or interrupt their feast, they are going to take over the joint". Here we are the three of us me, my husband and the cat stumbling through our grief learning how to traverse this new dynamic.
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