Yesterday when I was getting ready to leave the house (formerly my sanctuary, right now my mausoleum) to escape, there I was putting eye make up on and a delivery person arrived and brought me a beautiful arrangement of fruit from my wonderful girls at one of the offices I call on. This was such a kind act on their part, it brought me to tears and of course back to the drawing board on the make up :) It was such a kind outreach. Many people do not understand how difficult the loss of a pet can be and you find yourself often suffering silently because you can't really discuss it to people who don't understand because that only makes you feel worse. Well those girls truly validated my loss and I am grateful for their friendship.
Today started out ok - I went for a hike with my husband and while on the trail we encountered a women with her dog off his leash. The women was trying to keep her dog from running up to me and I could tell was concerned as to how I would react -- little did she know that I wanted nothing more than to have that dog run up to me and greet me with a smile in an effort to capture if only for a second one of the things I missed most. Well that dog did run up to me, complete with smile and bonus kisses -- it was wonderful. As the women came to gather her hound I could see the look of relief on her face as she recognized that I too was a lover of the dogs and I welcomed her hounds attention.
Throughout the walk I think reality started to cement itself and I had to tell my husband that I just wasn't up to going out and about today. He was very concerned about me, I assured him I would be ok - I have to be alone sometime.
In an effort to drown out my thoughts I find myself doing the mindless tasks of cleaning the house and listening to music as I try to take back a little control in an uncontrollable world. As I clean the house I find signs of our cats ailing health that need to be cleaned up and more importantly addressed. No one said life would be easy, I think that is why they spank you when you are born to give you your first lesson.
As I go out to the yard to feed the birds, there are no land mines to traverse and pick up - who would of thought a task that was once daunting would now be missed. As I vacuum the floor I realize I don't have to maneuver around his dog bed or toys. As I sweep up cat litter from the garage I am hammered with the thought that probably sooner rather than later I will be missing that as well given the cat is 19 years old.
When I am cleaning the bathroom I keep finding myself not wanting to throw paper in the trash can because Woody use to love going up to the can, lifting the lid with his snout and pulling the paper out and of course chewing it up -- that actually puts a smile on my face as I reluctantly place the paper in the can.
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